Here are my nine rules for how to fail at podcasting and some of my reflections on the alternatives.
1. Don’t have any clear subject matter for your podcast. Be all over the map.
Listeners seek out podcsts because of the content they are looking for. As a result, your podcast needs to have a clear niche. If listeners can't predict what your next episode might be about, they are unlikely to subscribe, or stay subscribed very long.
You need to "brand" what your show is about and preferably make it about something that 147 other podcasts are not also about.
A narcissictic "it's about whatever I want" subject won't attract much of an audience, other than maybe your family and close friends.
2. Use bad video and off-mic sound.
Theorist Marshall McLuhan said "the medium is the message." If you are an audio-only podcast, you need excellent audio quality. Sounding like you are a yard away from the microphone will turn off listeners fast. You don't necessarily need expensive professional microphone equipment, but use what you have professionally, which means having your microphone close to your mouth, recording in a quiet location, and avoiding distractions like "Popping Ps".
If you are also doing video, you also need a well-composed screen for each participant and good lighting. Weird camera angles and bad lighting appears unprofessional and ruins your credibility.
3. Ramble and use free-association as you talk.
You need to have a solid plan for your episode and stick to it. At least have a rundown of topics planned in advance so all particiants can keep track as you record. Many podcasts use a relatively complete script, written in advance.
And plan to edit your podcast before posting it. At the very least, remove most (or all) of your "UMs" and generally tighten up the flow. If you did end up wandering away from topic, maybe it's best to cut that section out. The common professional audio editing software is Adobe Audition, but the Open Source (free) package Audcity will also do everything you need.
4. It’s great to have multiple people all talking at once.
No, it's not. Only one person at a time should be talking and you should not be interrupting each other. Whoever the "host" is for this episode should also be the discussion leader and moderator. When you're verbally stepping on each other's toes or talking over each other, it doesn't feel professional and, again, blows your credibility.
5. Laugh uproariously at your own jokes.
Humor is fine in a podcast, but remember that your focus has to be your audience, not your own narcissism. You aren't entertaining yourself. You are entertaining your audience. Be like the late-night talk shows - if you are telling the joke, you're the "straight man" (or woman or other gender choices, of course). Your side-kicks may respond, but nothing is more of a turn-off than people laughing at their own jokes
6. Spend at least 20 minutes talking about your personal lives before you get around to the announced topic of today’s episode.
This takes finnesse. Some talk about yourselves (self-disclosure) can help make connections with the audience, but too many podcast people take way too long to get to the point of the episode. Best is to make any opening small-talk short and sweet. Also remember that people may be listening weeks or months into the future, so references to today's events need a light touch.
7. Monster files are no problem, even if they take ages to download.
Save your finished podcast file in a way that is easy to download quickly. For audio-only, that means as an MP3 file, but wait, there's more.
Unless you MUST have stereo, save your final as monaural. It will be smaller and will download faster. A sample rate of 44,100 Hz 16-bit is plenty of quality for a podcast that is mostly voice. Try a format setting of MP3 192 Kbps. If you use lower than these numbers, listen to test recordings critically in headphones to ensure quality. If you use bigger numbers, you probably won't hear an appreciable improvement in voice quality.
8. Violate copyright - nobody will notice (probably).
The biggest point here is that you need to be REALLY careful about what music you use in your podcast. There is no way to blanket-license your podcast to play commercially-recorded music (although a few companies are cautiously getting their feet wet). So if your podcast actually plays the music by name recording artists, you may easily be subject to copyright infringmenet legal actions.
There are ways to find royalty-free music to use for your opening and closing themes and transitions, but beware. Many of the sites that claim to have royalty free music offer it only for personal use, and a podcast available to the general public is NOT personal use. Be sure to read their terms of service.
9. Believe that "if you podcast it, they will come."
You need to not only produce a podcast with good technical quality and engaging content. You need to promote it. Get it listed with many podcast hosting sites as you can, promote it on social media, get yourself a professional-looking website, and promote, promote, promote still more. When podcasts instantaneously go viral, it is usually a freak occurance. How to really succeed at promoting would take tens of thousands of words, but promotion needs to be an importnt part of your planning.
I hope that this reverse psychology format has generated some ideas for your podcast. A podcast is not something to start on a lark. Those who do usually close down again soon. Your podcast doesn't have to exist to make money (although that is possible, once your audience grows some) but you should still treat it as a professional undertaking.
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